5 Text Messages You Should Never Send During a Custody Case
I tell clients this early and often:
assume every text message will be read by someone else.
When you’re in a custody case, texting feels unavoidable. You’re coordinating pickups, handling changes, and trying to communicate with someone you don’t always trust or agree with.
But what many parents don’t realize is how much weight those messages can carry later.
Judges, Guardians ad Litem, and attorneys don’t just look at what you said. They look at how you said it, how often conflict shows up, and how you handle frustration when things don’t go your way.
The truth is, I’ve seen one bad text undo months of good parenting.
Here are five types of messages that cause problems, even when the sender feels justified.
1. Angry, Heat-of-the-Moment Texts
Messages written when you’re upset are the ones most likely to end up in court.
Things like:
“This is exactly why you’re a terrible parent.”
“You always do this.”
“Keep it up and I’ll make sure you don’t see the kids.”
Even if you’re right about the situation, messages like these don’t help your case. They make it harder for a judge to see you as the steady, reasonable parent — and that matters in custody decisions.
What I tell clients:
If you’re angry, don’t text. Step away. Nothing urgent is going to be solved by sending a message you’ll have to explain later.
2. Texts That Pull the Children Into Adult Issues
This is a big one.
Messages that reference what a child said, feels, or wants — especially in a confrontational way — raise immediate concerns.
Examples:
“The kids don’t even want to be with you.”
“Tell your mom she’s ruining everything.”
“Let the kids decide where they want to live.”
Courts are very protective of children being kept out of adult conflict. Even implying that kids are involved in arguments or decision-making can hurt your credibility.
Bottom line:
Adult problems stay between adults.
3. Threats or Legal Warnings by Text
I understand the impulse to say, “If you don’t fix this, I’m taking you back to court.”
But texts like:
“I’ll make sure the judge hears about this.”
“I’m calling CPS.”
“You’ll regret this in court.”
Often come across as intimidation, not problem-solving. Judges don’t want to see parents using legal threats to control the situation.
If there’s a real issue:
Call your attorney. Don’t argue your case in a text thread.
4. Oversharing About Your Personal Life
Custody cases are about your child, not your personal struggles or new relationships.
Texts like:
“I’m not doing well mentally.”
“I’ve been drinking.”
“My new partner thinks you’re unstable.”
May feel honest in the moment, but once they’re printed and reviewed, they can raise questions you didn’t intend to raise.
My advice:
Lean on your support system. Not the other parent.
5. Passive-Aggressive or Snarky Replies
These tend to feel harmless, but they add up.
Things like:
“Sure. Whatever.”
“Wow. Shocking.”
“Do whatever you want. I’m done.”
Over time, messages like this can paint a picture of constant conflict — especially if the other parent’s messages look calm and neutral on paper.
The bottom line
In a custody case, your text messages become evidence. Not just of what happened, but of how you handle stress, conflict, and co-parenting. Before you hit send, ask yourself:
Would I be okay with a judge reading this out loud?
If the answer is no, don’t send it.
If you’re unsure how to communicate during a custody case without hurting yourself legally, that’s something we help clients navigate every day. Small choices matter — and avoiding unnecessary mistakes can make the process smoother for everyone involved.
